2025-04-02 10:25:44 -0400
To: The United States
Rename Elon Musk to Elmer Musk.
Headlines have been dominated by the head of DOGE, Elon Musk, billionaire and living embodiment of 'Catcher in the Rye' as directed by Lars von Trier.
Yet, Elon is a pretty badass name. It's so badass that it's a failure of its own success. A name that cool creates an unfair, unrealistic expectation of greatness for anyone who meets him, listens to him speak, raises his children a safe distance away - everyone! Is it really fair to force him to shoulder the burden of a cool name like that? Who are we to impose standards of excellence on a man so staggeringly incapable of living up to bare-minimum norms of acceptable interpersonal or professional behavior that he save scums fatherhood?
Enough's enough! We must all change so that he doesn't have to!
Yet, Elon is a pretty badass name. It's so badass that it's a failure of its own success. A name that cool creates an unfair, unrealistic expectation of greatness for anyone who meets him, listens to him speak, raises his children a safe distance away - everyone! Is it really fair to force him to shoulder the burden of a cool name like that? Who are we to impose standards of excellence on a man so staggeringly incapable of living up to bare-minimum norms of acceptable interpersonal or professional behavior that he save scums fatherhood?
Enough's enough! We must all change so that he doesn't have to!
Why is this important?
Elon is the name of a nearly successful Ian Flemming villain. Elon is the name of a car that doesn't require armies of online trolls or defamation suits to maintain sales. Elon is the name of a rocket that doesn't blow up over Florida and the Carribean. Elon is the name of a person with whom I'd want to have an unsolicited conversation in an elevator.
None of these describe Elon as America knows him. Elmer Musk is the natural choice.
Elmer Musk is what pollutes the air when my Vet expresses an anal gland. Elmer Musk is what I find when I accidentally put icecream in the pantry. Elmer Musk is the face a child makes when they're at the dentist, the sound of a man sniffing my hair during jury duty, and the live spectacle of circus bear eating the saddest clown in three easily remembered grotesque syllables!
Ditch Elon. Embrace Elmer. Do it for America! Do it for Elmer Musk!
None of these describe Elon as America knows him. Elmer Musk is the natural choice.
Elmer Musk is what pollutes the air when my Vet expresses an anal gland. Elmer Musk is what I find when I accidentally put icecream in the pantry. Elmer Musk is the face a child makes when they're at the dentist, the sound of a man sniffing my hair during jury duty, and the live spectacle of circus bear eating the saddest clown in three easily remembered grotesque syllables!
Ditch Elon. Embrace Elmer. Do it for America! Do it for Elmer Musk!